I did not have the easiest life. My mom died when I was 14, my dad was re-married to someone who hated me within 5 months and I actually sang for the wedding, blessing them, and they are still together. I was kicked out of the house within a year and finished high school while living with my sister. Thank God for her! I think the toughest thing to get over for me has been the abuse. From the time I was in diapers my uncle had been molesting me in one way or another. I don’t think there was actual penetration but he was definitely evil. I remember being about 3 when I looked over at him while he was taking a shot of Scotch. He wasn’t looking at me but there was something that was attached to him looking directly at me. I didn’t know what the heck it was at the time but now I guess I would describe it as a demon. It was completely black, very evil and sneered at me, mocking me. I was already staying away from him because of what happened one day when I was 5.
I had been there with my sister picking up aluminum cans to take them to the recycling center. That was the great thing about my uncle drinking so very much beer. For whatever reason my aunt was not in the house. He wouldn’t allow her to work and be away from him much, so I don’t think she was at work but I know that my sister and I were very uncomfortable when he was the only one in the house. When we got done loading the cans and old papers into the back of the pickup I went up into the kitchen to get a drink. My uncle was waiting for me. He had a really strange look on his face that I creeped me out but I hadn’t remembered seeing it before. I tried to excuse myself to get by him but he blocked my way. He wouldn’t let me go anywhere and had me trapped in the kitchen. He leaned over me and told me he wanted a kiss. He had me by the shoulders and I couldn’t move, so I said, “Okay.”
He stuck his tongue into my mouth and I remember thinking how gross that felt. I hated the smell of that Scotch whiskey, I hated the smell of old alcoholic coming from his pores, I hated the feel of his whiskers scratching my face but most of all I hated his tongue being so stiff in my mouth. I don’t know where the hell I got the courage but I chomped down and bit his tongue. He yelled at me and backed off a bit but then he got really scary, leaned in and growled, “If you EVER tell ANYONE about this I will kill you.” I broke away and ran outside. I don’t remember what happened after that. I was terrified and I just knew someone was going to find out about this and think I was absolutely disgusting. I was just sure this was somehow my fault.
I refused to tell anyone about this for years. Whenever we left the house they always wanted to kiss all of us goodbye. I learned quickly that if I was asleep my dad would carry me out to the car, so I faked that I was asleep all the time to avoid kissing him. For years I felt like a victim of this man…up until today. After taking that test and speaking with my coach I decided I was going to begin looking at these stories of my life differently. I was thinking about it after I got a massage today and realized I finally got him to stop the abuse at FIVE YEARS OLD!! What a rockstar I was at 5!! I am so very impressed at how brave I was at five!!
I know that he tried things with my mom and my sister because my sister had been brave enough to tell our mom. We didn’t talk about it at all until a few years ago. That man held me prisoner for all this time because I allowed him to. I finally realized today how very brave I was and even though I was afraid to tell anyone I was brave enough to stand up to him.
I encourage anyone who has survived anything like this to find a different perspective. Try to find a different angle to look at it. I knew it wasn’t going to work just to figure out why he did it and all that crap. I’m a Capricorn for God’s sake. Unless it is actual tangible truth in my mind it is not right. I couldn’t have cleared all of that if I had just said, “Well he was abused when he was a child and he just had learned how to do that and didn’t know any better.” Bullshit. He may have been possessed by something else but I’m fairly sure he overpowered that thing before but he had fun with it when it came to me, up until that one day in the kitchen. After that, that demon could look at me but it couldn’t do anything to me anymore because I always figured out how to get out of it. No more kisses, no more inappropriate touching, but he still had me terrified that he was going to kill me right up until today.
Today I can say that I have overcome sexual abuse completely. I have freed myself from his chains. He is on the other side and has been since I was 12. I have decided I am free, so he should be free. I have sang for him and done the healing needed for him to be released from all of this also. Everyone wins! Take back your power and be the empowered person you were born to be! Of course I’m here if you need me!